Janice's Blog

Faith

2012-01-22T11:51:00.002+08:00

I've always found faith to be a very hard concept to get your head around.

To just believe, even though you haven't been given a reason to. Doesn't that seem a little contrived? I don't believe that it applies simply to religion, but to life in general. Everything you do, or any interaction you have with other people is solidly based on faith. If you make plans with someone, I guess in a way you're holding faith that the other party doesn't back out on you.

I'm just going to steer clear of religion here, but as someone who was raised without one, maybe its not so surprising that faith is such a foreign concept to me. Is it easier to have faith in people if you were raised with a religion, seeing that you were raised to believe? I wouldn't know, why don't some of you get back to me, because that would really be an interesting study.

I don't think I was raised to be cynical, but it probably wouldn't be a stretch to say that I was raised to be careful in who I place my trust in. As my sister, who I can safely say is the strongest influence in my life, would say, there is no point in trusting anyone, you can only trust yourself. Or rather that's what I learnt from watching her communicate with other people.

See, she's so strong, and rarely relies on anyone else for help. I would suppose that is one thing that we do have in common, we don't like asking people for help. And that is puzzling. If there were ever something I had to get help with, I would get this really guilty and bad feeling. If I were to think back, I don't think I've ever asked for favors from people. Denise and I actually had this conversation before, and the conclusion was that we are afraid of getting rejected.

Why is it that it is ingrained in the both of us that people would not help us? It seems that we don't have faith in people other than ourselves.

And speaking of faith, relationships are hard, especially hard for the both of us. Well, I can't actually speak for her, but I tend not to believe anything the other party says. It's hard for me, to have faith in what someone says. Lip service. Its not that I've been burned before, but I think that may be because my defense mechanism just rejects anything that would make me hope, therefore ensuring that I never get hurt.

I mean, how can you trust anything anyone says? I sound really bitter, but its the truth. Blind faith in someone you've just met just seems beyond stupid to me. No matter how nice or sweet or genuine they may be, lies do usually pour forth rather easily. I suppose I've been innocent enough in the past and gullible enough to believe promises and have expectations. But they've always come through for me. Never been burned, so where did this cynicism come from?

In a way I suppose its actually really sad, to never allow yourself to have hope, but I can't really help it. I know I'm a gullible person. I'm smart, but I tend to believe whatever people say. But when it comes to relationships or feelings, I rarely allow myself to just go free.

Maybe that's why I've never felt like I've loved anyone before. I don't forsee that changing anytime soon to be honest. Everything around me is just telling me that it's a good thing I always have my guard up.

Guatemala

2012-01-17T11:05:00.002+08:00

I think I finally understand the joys of traveling.

The freedom, the decisions you have to make for yourself, the fact that you are completely dependent on yourself, and nobody else. The experiences you get, and the various cultures you encounter. The locals you meet, and how interesting it is when you see the different ways they react to different things.

Denise said to me a while back, "I love traveling, because everywhere in Asia, we asians are a hot commodity". I kid you not, here in Guatemala, I am stared at like a monkey in the zoo. And just a few days back while walking back home, a local confessed his love for me. Albeit in a crude "I love you baby" way. But still. Confession of love people. I assume Denise likes the attention, but I find it a tad intrusive, but hey, to each his own.

Here in Guatemala, everything takes on a community feel, or so it seems to me anyway. In many places I've been, the locals have always been friendly, but you do feel the undercurrent of resentment, but here, the locals Guatemaltecos really do seem to enjoy communicating with you. It's the feel of a small town, where everyone says hello to each other on the street, and actually smiles at passersby.

Oh how different it is from Singapore. Or Australia. I've always extolled the need to brighten people's days by simply smiling and greeting someone you pass by, but apparently it's bad form where I come from. I have proof now, that simply smiling at someone can really make their day. It's a simple existence here, but happy.

The past month here has been idyllic. Yoga, Spanish classes, salsa classes, and just conversations with people. A few trips here and there, that just shows me how much more of the world I have yet to experience. I do believe after graduating, I might just take time off and travel. The plan so far has been to get a job, anywhere I can get one, but now I wonder as to the wisdom of that. The world is waiting.

Or, due to influences in my life that remind me to do what I love, I'll take a few years to make the acting thing work out. The times I just want to hit myself, when I think about how I just gave it up. Why did I do that, when I'm never happier than when I'm on stage? Or when I'm writing. Or performing in general. Okay, maybe I have one too many passions. But acting first. We'll see.

I have three more weeks in Guatemala before it's back to Singapore and from there en route to Perth to continue my degree. God it's going to be a long year, with many many many things I need to do. The Women's Collective in the Guild that I'm now running. The Vagina Monologues. The Women's edition of the Uni magazine. Focus groups. Not to mention that I need to get a job. Jesus. Rock climbing. I need to get up to Denise's level. Not that I possibly can, seeing how much longer she is than I am.

Right, so enough with the things I need to do, but on to resolutions for the year. They are important, so I hear anyway.

The first, and probably the most important, stop the filthy habit of smoking.

Then get my fitness up.

And actually do something useful this year, will endeavor to get the Women's Collective up to a standard where people will g on about how great the Murdoch Women's Collective is.

Go to Europe.

Learn French. Seriously.

2011-05-28T00:30:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time.

And I've changed so much from the last time I was here.

Not in a good way.

I'm stuck, and I can't see my way out of it.

I can't let go, I can't change anything, I can't do anything. Because I'm scared. Scared of being alone. And that is something I have always told myself I would never be.

It's like me being here, I don't do anything. I don't have anything invested in my life here. He is all I have here, he is my life here, because he has been in my life ever since I moved here. To me, he is Perth.

And what I'm scared is that letting go will seal my fate as the pathetic woman who stays at home knitting and watching re runs of stupid sitcoms.

Why am I not doing anything here? I'm in a foreign country where the sky is the limit, I can do whatever I want, but I'm not doing any of it. I don't know why, but I'm scared. All I want to do is stay in bed and not do anything. Or go to his place and stay in his bed and not do anything.

That, is my life here. How sad is that?

It feels like to me, after I lost acting, and then Hakeem, I lost everything, I lost the dreams that I once held. Acting was a dream to me, something that inspired me, something that made me look forward to waking up every morning. And Hakeem was someone who seemed to be from a dream, and to be with him was to be ecstatically happy. He's not like that anymore though. But, different story.

So yes, it feels like after the loss of those two dreams, shall we say, I've seemed to have lost the will to live, if one feels like being dramatic.

Another thing, writing is an outlet for me. When I'm not writing I just go along doing my thing and not really accessing my thoughts, emotions, anything really. But when I write, it's like a door opens and everything pours out, ideas, feelings, thoughts that I didn't even know I was thinking. It's odd, it's almost as if writing is the only way I can ever express my thoughts out loud.

Is writing like this for anyone else? Or is it just me? Because literally, when I write, its like ideas just slam into my head one after the other, sometimes too fast for me to even catch. It's the most exhilarating experience.

Oh yes, and another thing. I tend to jump from thought to thought when I'm writing. Which just proves my theory that when I'm writing, I'm just thinking in print. No?

I don't know how an emo post turned out to be a post on the technicalities of writing to Janice.

I just miss me.

2011-01-12T03:07:00.001+08:00

My grandmother has been a constant in my life from the start. She took care of me, she burped me she bathed me, she scratched my back until I went to sleep. She used to put me in the hanging sarong, and rock me, because she knew I loved being in there.

When I got a little older, she would bring me to school everyday. She would hold my hand and tell me she was so proud of me because I greeted everyone I saw. She cooked for me, all my favourites. I remember how she would make instant noodles after I had whined for hours, and she would pluck out noodles from the boiling pot and feed those strands to me, to check if they were done. She would sit with me and make sure I did my homework. She taught me how to write my chinese name. When I was young, we spoke in her language, Hainanese. I don’t anymore.

She smiles everytime she sees me, and everytime she smiles, I can see myself in her, because we have the same attitude when we laugh. She always slapped me on the butt and call me naughty when I asked her if I was pretty. And when I said she’s the prettiest, she would laugh and utter curse words in Hainanese.

I regret all the times I’ve even thought about hurrying her along when she comes to visit because I want to do my own thing. I regret not visiting her more. I regret giving up my baby, because if I hadn’t my grandmother would have been able to meet my child. I wish I had hugged her more, or talked to her more. I wish I had asked her about her life before and found out what she was like as a young woman. I wish I had spent more time with her. All the time wasted, and I knew how lonely she must have been. I feel like the worst person in the world. I wish I could have had a last Chinese New Year with her. I wish I had another day with her, so I can see her again, and tell her that I love her so much, and that she made me happy and that I’m proud to be her granddaughter.

At her funeral, when her closest friend tells me that my grandmother always spoke about me, about how she loved me so much, it felt like someone squeezed my heart so hard that it ached.
She used to joke about how I made her scratch my back throughout the night because I was itchy. She gave me extra money to bring to school, because I was crying about the allowance my parents gave me. She was always up for everything. Once I put chandelier earrings on her and took a picture and she looked gorgeous. She gave me an original copy of her wedding photo. I’m so happy that I have that. I don’t want my grandmother to be forgotten, ever. I have my grandmother’s cheekbones and nose, so that’s something.

The picture I have of my grandmother in my head is one of her sitting on a ledge with the sunlight coming from behind her, while she laughs at a joke I made. I love her, and I’m sorry that it has taken this long for it to hit me that I will never see her again. I hope that she is happy and she knows that I will always love and never forget her.

Weaknesses

2010-11-09T16:36:00.002+08:00

People constantly give stupid excuses when they do stupid things.

I can't help it!

I can't control how I feel!

It just happened!

And it is all complete bullshit.

We have complete power over our thoughts and decisions, and it is when we decide to give in to temptation that we make the wrong decision.

Married men can absolutely control their dicks, and yet some still choose to cheat when the opportunity arises.

Women can absolutely walk away from the man offering money for sex, but some still choose to accept that.

People can absolutely control what they do in their lives, yet they choose to take the route that gives them the most pleasure, because that is what people do.

And that is why we are weak, because we can never be strong and say

I will never allow myself to think about him.

I will never allow myself to cheat.

I will never allow myself to hurt someone else.

I will never lie.

We are weak, we are selfish, and that is the reason humans are the most hypocritical and despicable creatures.

Sha la la la la

2010-08-22T16:21:00.002+08:00

I just finished cleaning my apartment and I am so happy!

Everything is clean and shiny, the counters are smooth, and everything smells sooooo good!

Take a look at my bathroom, mmmmmm. Smells so pretty!

Yea, it gives me a great sense of satisfaction to clean my own apartment, and see everything in its place.

Oh wow, I can see my future as a stepford wife.

Well, I started University 3 weeks ago, and things could not be better. It's amazing how much you realise that you don't know when you're studying something new.

And I'm proud of myself in a way I haven't been in such a long time. I'm an academic. I'm an undergraduate. I'm gonna be a great journalist.

Haha. After such a long time working towards this goal, having attained it, is to be honest, such a relief. And I feel so happy all the time! Although now that I'm in Uni, I realise how much more I have to go through.

And the competition, I have to say, is intimidating.

I'm going to start writing again. For the past year it's been like I've been stuck in a rut, and now that I'm in Uni, it feels like I'm finally moving onwards, or somewhere. Out of limbo.

I feel happier, and slowly more like myself. And I'm hoping for this time of my life to be the best I'm going to experience.

Because honestly, after this glorious time, working life beckons, and it doesn't look very appealing.

Mel, Selene, Kim, I love you.

And yes, my sisters too.

2010-03-23T14:09:00.002+08:00

My exams are in 2 days, and my course averages are alright.

Okay, so maybe I've screwed up ONE class, but that can be made up in the exam. As long as I get a 60 for that exam, that would give me a passing grade.

Other classes are going great though, been getting high grades, so that cool. I don't even need to get above 60 to pass. Doesn't mean I'm not going to try to excel though, so thank god, I'm pretty sure I'll get a 70 average this term at least. Whew.

HOPE SO.

Uni seems like a distant dream right now, a hard dream foe me to realise, but let's hope that I will get my dream with my average.

Ha.

It's raining men...

2010-01-23T16:27:00.004+08:00

Yes, it is finally raining, for the first time in god knows how long.

And I must say, the rain is utterly refreshing. I've almost forgotten how fresh it smells when it rains.

This was a beautiful day in Spring. Shining sun, but not hot at all, cool weather.

How good does that barbecue look?

In Perth, a barbecue is the standard for gatherings. You'll have big beefy guys holding tongs, guarding the barbecue, and kids running around.

The women will either be in the house gossiping, or drinking on the lawn.

Nice future prospect.

Well, there's going to be party in approximately 3-4 hours at my place, where apparently a hundred people are going to be present. Bullshit to my mind, but hey, it's not my party.

I'm gonna go enjoy the rain. Nice weekend people.

New Year, New resolutions!

2010-01-21T15:58:00.003+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Yes, I am aware that it's 20 days late, but still, better late than never. That is my mantra. More of an excuse for my permanent procrastination, but hey, it works.

Anyway, my blog seems to have spontaneously combust. Is it because it's become increasingly boring, or because I no longer update?

I guess its easy to get it up and going again. I could always post pictures of naked chicks up and I'm sure it'll go up.

Or I could start insulting xiaxue, that always seems to garner untalented and underserving people readership points.

Ha. Am a very funny person.

I can't stand Perth in the summer people, it's so ridiculously hot. The heat is glaring and pierces through your skin. Then there are the flies. The flies aren't like the nice polite flies back in Singapore that fly away when you swat at them. These flies come back for more, they stick to you, fly all around you, and piss you off, not matter how many times you attempt to shoo them away.

I swear, No 1 reason why I hate Perth is because of their flies.

Anyway, that was a huge digression, I don't even know what I started to write anymore.

Oh yes.

Am going to start blogging regularly again.

Figured that there is no better practice for an aspiring writer than to write. Can blogging be considered writing? Yes well, I guess if I'm not writing about the tortures of doing my laundry I'll be alright.

The one thing about Perth is that the question, "How's the weather?", can actually be construed as a very interesting one. The weather actually varies here. We're in the shit of summer this time of year, OH MY GOD THE FLIES ARE FUCKING ANNOYING, and today, all of a sudden, we have a relatively cool and windy day. I got up and saw my roommate, and screamed, "Isn't the weather wonderful????"

And then we both started reveling in the perfection of this tiny weather miracle.

In Singapore, it's the same fucking wet and hot day, everyday. So talking about the weather cannot be legitimately used as a weather topic there. MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

Am so not funny anymore.

I HATE THE FLIES. I have to stamp my foot every 5 fucking seconds, because they fucking refuse to quit. JESUS!

I shall deduce that I'm not funny cause the flies are restricting my funniness.

2009-12-25T21:45:00.002+08:00

Merry Sexmas everyone!

This place that I'm in right now reminds me too much of everything that has transpired here before. This past year just shows me how quick time can pass. It's been 10 months. Near to unbelievable, how much the heart can ache, but I guess it's just a muscle in the end.

As if I need another reason to get out of Singapore. I suppose now I can leave to Melbourne in peace.

I've always made it a point to start each year afresh. Though it sometimes doesn't work, I usually start each year with a new slate. A new person, reborn. Stupid if you think about it, because the years are simply an invention of mankind.

Although this past year has been exceedingly painful, I have to say that its opened my eyes up to the world and forced me to grow up. To realise that life is fleeting, and that a person will ultimately have to responsible for her actions.

I've seen the sacrifices my parents have made for me, and realised how much they love and care for me. It makes me ashamed of the times I've rebelled and shamed them.

I've made a lot of mistakes, and I have done all I can to account for them. All I can do now is to carry on with what honesty, integrity and happiness I can.

Truth be told, my life is going fantastically now. My grades are up more than 70%, Jamie's grades are up, younger sister's grades are awesome, older sister got a great job, parents are happy, I'm happy, everyone's mostly happy! =)

I only wish for the same for my closest friends right now.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone!

Love for the last time,

White.

2009-12-11T23:17:00.003+08:00

I just finished reading most of the blog posts I put up since I arrived in Perth.

The funny thing is that while I read what I wrote, I can actually feel and remember everything that I felt then. It's like a sense of nostalgia, something that clings on that you can't really see but understand intimately.

It's surprising that I jsut realised that I've switched houses so many times during these 10 months.

First on Beaufort Street, then moved to South Perth. Camped out on Ilse's couch for a few weeks, then moved to Bayswater with Jamie.

Ha. Was supposed to move into Currie hall sometime in July, but decided that forwards was the way to go.

Odd isn't it? Anyway, living in a home is so much more comfortable than in a dorm. One night in Currie Hall was all I needed to confirm that.

Somehow, I find the constant upheavel exciting and fun. And yet, I find myself living in Bayswater with Jamie for the past 7 months. Sucks that the lease is ending soon, but exciting too, cause now we can finally move out together alone.

Ahh, the time is coming up for my year end reflections, but seriously, at this point my readership's probably down to 2 people a week, so who cares.

Ah welll.

Pictures coming up next week, since I will be back in Singapore then. For once, I'm relishing coming back to Singapore because the weather is mad hot in Perth. Can't stand it. The flies and mosquitos eat you up alive.

See ya soon chiqas!

2009-11-25T18:17:00.002+08:00

I just bought ice-cream from an ice cream truck!

You know, the really old-fashioned pink truck that plays music and comes riding down the road, with kids crowding around it, yelling for ice-cream!

How awesome is that?

I feel like I cancelled off one thing from my to-do list!

See, that's one thing that's missing in Singapore, it's a nostalgic memory that everyone should have!

Hee, feel like such a kid. =D

Heeheeheehee.

Now, I'm going to go solve the mystery of the creation of the universe.

2009-10-27T08:42:00.002+08:00

I swear to God, I understand the phrase "you never forget your first love."

Because when you do have your first love, you're generally in your teens when your hormones are raging like a freaking fire.

Remember the aching in your chest you sometimes get when you were younger, but seemingly never happens anymore?

Yea well, that's cause you're now all grown up, and your hormones don't produce that feeling anymore.

So Selene, know what I mean? Scientifically, this makes more sense than what we thought it was.

And seriously, I think playing hard to get really does work. All the games and drama really does incite a longing feeling.

The more you can't get something, the more you want to obtain it.

On the other hand, when one gives everything freely without a fight, no matter how loving and sweet or fantastic you are, it wont create a feeling of absolute want.

Weird isn't it? That the conniving way wins.

2009-09-20T18:20:00.002+08:00

I'm sitting at my dining table with my laptop, typing this out approximately an hour before I have to head to the airport.

Jamie's making curry for us at the stove, which smells really really good.

There are flowers on the table that he picked for me today, wildflowers, that are so colourful, so beautiful.

Somehow, even though I can't wait to come back and see all my friends and my family, I feel a little relunctant to leavebecause I feel this immense contentment when I'm with Jamie.

It's amazing how that is so. I can safely say that he is the first man I've ever been with that I haven't had all that drama and heartwrenching pain. Our relationship is just so smooth sailing, sweet, and happy.

Seriously, the only guy that I've ever come close to being completely myself with. Strange isn't it that I have to travel to an entirely different continent to find someone I can be myself with?

Actually, not that strange, seeing that Chinese men mostly have the same chauvanistic selfish quality built into them. Hey, no judging.

Anyway people, I'm off to walk the dog. Ciao!

2009-08-31T09:21:00.001+08:00

Absolutely KILLED at my oral presentaion.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

coming home coming home coming home coming home

lalalalalallalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

want prata want prata want prata want prata want prata!

2009-08-24T08:50:00.002+08:00

Walking to school today, I dreamed an entire storyline to work on.

I'm itching to work on it NOW, but I have more mundane things I simply HAVE to focus on like watching a video in class about homelessness.

And the video is so sad that I dont feel like writing my silly oh-so-funny story anymore.

I'm coming back in Septemberrrrrrrr! On the 20th, and ONCE AGAIN, I'm going to reach home at like 2.50 am. Hey, can't help it that Tiger airlines has such a shitty timeline for their aeroplanes.

Anyway, you guys don't HAVE to come and pick me up. Can't put you gusy through that again. I jsut want lots of presents, cause it's so close to my birthday.

Ha.

Oh, I have a friend who's going to come back with me. Nadia, you'll know who she is if you go through my facebook pictures. So we have a tourist coming to town!

You knwo what we have to do people?

It's time for DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHTTTTT!

Love you guys, take care till I get back!

Love love.

2009-08-11T09:50:00.000+08:00

I find it very telling that two days have past and I JUST realised it was National day.

2009-07-26T18:00:00.002+08:00

I get it!

He's Mr Big.

Or he's Hubble from The Way We Were.

How obvious it should have been.

2009-07-21T17:39:00.002+08:00

Do you ever fully get over the person you first fell for?

I mean, it's been so long, and I've mostly gotten over it (I think), but I still think about Hakeem all the time.

It's even more depressing now that I'm with Jamie, and am happy with him. It's just really annoying, and just plain WRONG, when you're with your present lover, and your last lover pops into your mind.

I don't deny that I'm still sad about Hakeem, and that I still wish I can talk to him. It's taken me this long to understand and realise that no matter how sad I am, it is no more.

So my question is, do you ever get over your first love? The kind that really makes your heart go pitty pat, and you actually turn crazy over.

I know that after it ended, all the feelings and emotions I've felt since then never get to its maximum. I don''t laugh till my belly aches anymore, I don't feel as if I got punched in the stomach when I'm sad, I don't. Just don't.

Maybe when they say that you never forget your first love, they mean that a little part of you dies off, and you're never actually the same again. That's how I feel.

Yea, depressing isn't it.

On to sillier things, I just had a typing class earlier today, and have found out that my typing style is hopelessly wrong, and I will end up handicapped if I continued typing the way I did.

So, this post has taken me about 20 minutes to type, because I'm using the 'correct' way.

Hallelujah!

2009-07-19T15:50:00.002+08:00

This post is dedicated to my sisters, for I have not seen or heard from either of them in a long long time.

I went on Eunice's blog, and saw that she bought a hamster. Commented on it, and blah blah blah, and this feeling of nostalgia just welled up in me.

It used to be that we lived in the same place, and saw each other every single day. And despite the fact that we annoyed the hell out of each other, we still had a bond.

And now, knowing that we can't even gush over a hamster together is depressing.

I even have a photo of my wearing only a bra, and holding a hamster with Denise right after we dumped them in the sink for a bath.

Yes, we were evil.

THe good thing is that both sisters are probably coming down in October for my birthday, so that is good.

I miss so many things and people, and it's even more heartbreaking that I can't speak to them anymore.

2009-07-14T13:24:00.004+08:00

PS, I MISS DENISE LIM SI HUI BECAUSE SHE CLAIMS I DO NOT MISS HER.

I miss my friends.

I miss Melissa calling me Hanky panky.

I'm scared of Selene, cause she sounds like she wants to murder me.

I miss Kim cause I wanna squeeze her to death on getting the job.

I don't particularly miss Eunice Lim because she wore my shoes.

I miss Denise Watt cause only she knows how to be a complete bitch and still make me love her.

I miss Jane and Fazlan cause they buy me lunch and dinner.

And I have to go cause my teacher's being a bitch.

2009-06-29T17:20:00.002+08:00

Janice Lim has returned to Singland!

It's strange. During the days leading up to my departure, I couldn't stop willing the days to pass by because I wanted to come back so badly. Now that I'm back here, I can't stop willing the days to pass by because I want to go back so badly.

Seriously. I've forgotten how BAD Singapore can get! How bad the weather is, how rude the people are, and how leery and perverted the men can get.

Sure, it was wonderful seeing all my friends again. You never fully realise how much those pesky habits your friends have cling on to you. It was a homecoming, just having my friends around me hanging out.

And I think THEY didn't fully realise how bitchy I really am until I left and came back.

So now, I'm going to have a whole week of partying with my friends, and I'm flying back to Perth ahead of schedule, because I really CANNOT tolerate Singaporeans. Argh.

Good thing my friends and family are going to come down to Perth during alternating times. Fun. Yes Denise Lim, I know that you planned to come down during my 21st bitrthday. Blame Mama for letting the cat out of the bag.

Oh btw, come down yourself please, I don't think Mama knows the whole story about my living with Jamie. ;)

What next......

Ah! Attica on Friday people!

Although I really wanna go to Zouk on Wednesday, heard that Butter Factory closed down because of the Swine flu, so it'll get crowded at Zouk.

Oh well. They always have the tendency to overreact.

You know how they say that Singaporeans are kiasi and overreact over everything?

I wonder. Is our paranoia a trait that the government instilled in us with thier actions, or is the government's actions an attempt to placate our paranoia?

Interesting don't you think?

2009-06-20T16:43:00.005+08:00

So.

I went hiking last weekend. Allow me to enlighten you of the horrors of camping.

You'll end up having calves that no longer work.

You'll end up with aches in places you never thought you had.

You'll wake up all wet because the rain seeped into the tent.

But it's all okay, because you get to see this.

How pretty is that???

Whoo!

All in all, it was a great trip, you get to see amazing scenery. The hike itself wasn't that bad. About 44 km under 5 hours. It's not bad, only that half the distance was covered in beaches. And you know what it's like walking on the beach. Killer man. Damn.

Anyway, Janice Lim is coming back to Singapore in 5 days! Damn that's fast.

I miss all of you! If you want me to get stuff back from Perth, better let me know quick.

2009-06-10T14:46:00.002+08:00

I have moved into my new house.

It's great. Other than the fact that it has no furniture whatsoever.

Hahaha, I have been sleeping on the floor, and been eating noodles with my fingers since Monday, which is fine I suppose, unless the noodles are piping hot.

It has a WONDERFULLY big backyard, which has a lemon tree and a barbecue set. Damn my friends are going to have fun when they come over. HINT melselenekim HINT. Hahaha, accommodation settled now isn't it?

Now that all my assignments are more or less over, I can see my oncoming holidays back to Singapore.

I am returning on the 26th of June at 2 am in the morning! Haha, Jane is apparently picking me up though I doubt she can wake up.

Kimmie! Come pick me up! I wanna go for prata and oily Char Kway Teow!

It occurs to me that I don't miss Singapore all that much, but I do miss my friends.

Got a new placeeeeee!

It's freezing in Perth right now. Think today is about 18 degrees in the day and about 6 at night. The fact that I'm sleeping on the floor? Yea, not very nice. But still, NEW PLACE.

I miss my sisters.

2009-05-31T10:32:00.002+08:00

The floor of my living room is strewn with the bodies of my friends, all passed out either from alcohol or other unmentionables.

Haha, my head is pounding so badly right now.

As of late I have been reviewing the things that I have and the things that I've lost. While it can be said that losing things took some adjusting to, it may not be altogether bad that it happened.

I realise how much I restricted myself last year. I didn't go out, I didnt do things that I wanted to, I didn't even behave in the way I wanted to, all so that I could fit in better with what someone thought of as a better Janice.

But Voila! I guess I never stay down for long. Sooner or later, the devil-may-care attitude just comes back. And it comes back more fucked up everytime.

I don't know. In a way for me, Hakeem was someone I really fell for, the only person I would have put myself through so many changes for. Maybe it was the fact that I could never really GET him, that fascinated me so. Whichever it is, I'm pretty sure I'll never feel so strongly for another person as I did him. Which is weird, seeing that we never really had that much in common in the first place.

As I was telling Selene the other day, I miss the fireworks. You know how sometimes when you meet someone for the first time, you actually feel like you've been knocked over by a truck, and fireworks appear? Yea, meeting Hakeem for the first time was like that. Even the subsequent times, they were still there.

So she asked me, "Isn't it better having someone with whom you have so much in common with rather than just fireworks?"

Sometimes I'm not sure. I had fireworks with Viknesh, I had fireworks with Hakeem. I didn't need to ask myself what I felt, because the fireworks told me. But then, both those relationships ended disastrously. Maybe it's time to take things slow, to develop a bond rather than take everything up on faith.

And I already have a target in mind. ;) Selene, you're right!

2009-05-16T16:43:00.002+08:00

It was a completely normal morning.

In class with Natalie. Talking to her, sneaking food while the teacher was lecturing.

And then the bomb drops.

We have to but this open? Really? Poke at the tail, go ahead, it's dead.

Well Okay, here goes....

Urgh. The rats were frozen solid, and then thawed, so they're fucking freezing and stiff. I'm going straight to hell for this man.

*Snip Snip*

I'm sorry. Haha. The rat is damn fat. When I cut it open, there was fat EVERYWHERE, and that's not good, cause when fat solidifies, it's hard, and you cant move it away to look at the organs.

Oh we were checking out reproductive organs by the way.

TA DAH! Pregnant rat, with 13 foetuses in it.

The purple tube with the bumps in it is the uterus. The bumps are the foetuses.

Fun. Doing this at 8 am in the morning sure made me feel like eating the whole day.

Hahahaha. It wasn't that bad, I thought I would be squeamish, but I was more interested in looking at all the different parts of the body. The uterus of the unpregnant female rat is surprisingly small. Thought it would be bigger, since it could accomodate so many foetuses.

So, hope I ruined your day. Love! =)

2009-05-12T19:42:00.002+08:00

Just cause I haven't been updating.

But it's for a good reason! No internet. I swear.

And I have been out clubbing at least twice every week. Yet somehow, my work seems to magically complete itself.

And it's good work!

What else......

I got a new phone.

I met a new guy.

I am in big trouble when my mum finds out what happened...

And.... I'm coming back June 24th!

PARTY PEOPLE!

2009-05-03T15:23:00.003+08:00

Oh god.

I think I lost my feet.

I really think I did. I can't feel them at all.

OH wow. Hahahaha.

I went clubbing for three nights in a row. I feel like I ran up and down the stairs for 2 hours. How can it be possible to ache everywhere so much from dancing?

This is what happens after a night of crazy dancing. You die.

2009-05-02T18:26:00.003+08:00

I nearly losy my passport going clubbing the other night.

MAN.

Sometimes I do the supidest things. And I lost my phone as well. Hahaha, I am a genius.

I have learned that it's easy to get mugged in Perth.

Miz Stripper pole.

I call myself Miz Chastity.

Neo Maphaka. No, his last name isnt pronounced the way you think it is pronounced.

And I have been such a hard worker! I've been studying everyday, despite the contrary evidence.

I'm suffering from a massive head cold. Bad throat and the flu. Aw, feels like shit man. Good thin I'm going clubbbing in approximately 3 hours. Haha.

CHEERS PEOPLE!

Melissa, Selene, Kim, get back to me soon!

2009-04-27T21:08:00.002+08:00

There are certain things that one experiences that can change the way you think forever.

I have always thought of myself as confrontational, and unafraid to voice out my opinions.

I have lost count of the many times I've voiced my dissatisfaction with the singaporean government, the chauvanistic mindset everyone around us takes, and so on and so forth.

Those are things that I've always felt strongly about, things that I believe should be changed. Yet, till this day, I have not done a single thing to change it, other than to sit around and whine about it with my peers.

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/tankman/etc/synopsis.html

This is a symbol of passion, and the desire to do something about something you believe in.

In mainland China, students stand up for what they believe in. They work to bring the government around towards political reform, economic reforms.

It is not a simple matter of deciding that something should change, and then wait for someone to stand up. It takes courage, guts, determination, and passion for something you believe in.

We are people from a young country called Singapore. The younger generation, namely people from my generation have been coddled into thinking that nothing can ever change. We think that the older generation don't understand us, and that they will never be brought around to the "enlightened" younger mindset.

And so it should be. I'm not commenting on which generation is better. But the older generation worked, and earned the lofty position that they are in now. They protested, they rallied, they SUPPORTED the causes and the government parties they believed in.

But us the younger generation cannot even name the different political parties in Singapore. Maybe you don't have to. But the people in Singapore, they don't care about anything. Most go about their lives, oblivious to everything that is going on outside their little bubble. How are we to gain the respect we want from or elders?

Most importantly, faced with a generation of underachievers, how are the present leaders of the government supposed to entrust what they have slogged for to us?

In a way, we have been conditioned to "speak when spoken to". We have been so pampered by the government, that we no longer think for ourselves. We have been so afraid of the government, so afraid to "break the rules", or "offend someone", that no one speaks up anymore.

Any negative comments are greeted with a cursory "shhhhh-"

We should look towards the people around the globe who believe in what they believe in, and who actually step up and participate in change.

Change is fundamental to the development of any society. It's time that we showed our elders that we are capable of forward thinking, and are ready to step up to their expectations.

2009-04-26T20:17:00.002+08:00

Someone I never thought I would ever see again in my life just bumped into me on the streets in Perth.

This is incredible.

Incredible.

It's amazing how unpredictable life can get. I think all is good now people. =)

Just cause I miss my friends.

2009-04-24T18:32:00.003+08:00

The weather here in Perth is wrecking havoc on my complexion. It's so DRY. I never actually thought I would miss the humidity in Singapore.

But really la, my face is damn dry. You know the feeling when your face feels super tight, like it's going to crack? Yea, that's what it feels like.

I was using L'oreal, cause it was so effective in Singapore. Smooth skin. Sigh, I miss you. Haha.

Anyway, do you know that VANESSA HUDGENS is the face for Nutrogena in Perth? For those people who are not girls, that's the female lead in High School Musical.

Strangely, she's quite pretty during the advert. Weird. Personally, I can't stand her voice. Squeaky and annoying. But hey, whatever works. She's endorsing this facial scrub machinery that emits the foam or that cleanses your skin.

Haha, I want to buy it, but I feel like such a sell out.

Who knows how to make skin less dry? =(

2009-04-22T22:12:00.002+08:00

I miss so many things.

I miss my friends, my home.

My comforts.

I miss feeling what I felt for the past year.

I hate that I still miss you. It annoys the hell out of me.

It's not like I dont have better things to do, or a life I need to live. It ANNOYS me.

So anyway, school has been FUN! I think I'm probably the only person who's happy that we have lots and lots of work to do.

I jsut spent three hours on reproduction and genetics, and I actually felt damn happy about it la! Wonderful stuff.

I think I'm losing my funny gene.

2009-04-20T21:21:00.002+08:00

I rode a bicycle to school today!

Damn it was tiring. But worth the trip, running over puppies and trampling flowers.

Ha.

Nah, I wish I did have a bike. =(

So, today was the first day of school, and Selene was sweet enough to send me an email blessing. Super sweet.

Okay, let's reevaluate why I left Singapore.

1) Toget away from Singapore and its typical residents

2) To get away from Singapore and its typical residents

3) TO GET AWAY FROM SINGAPORE AND ITS TYPICAL RESIDENTS

Yea, turns out that my whole class is made up on Singaporeans apart from one guy.

What is the fucking point of coming here then huh?!

Haha. Nah, they seem nice. Oh oh. Funny fact coming up.

I'm taking Biology and Physics. Fun! Just because no one else wanted to take history. Tsk. People who don't appreciate such stuff. I have to end up taking something I don't like. Great.

But all in all, I'm psyched! And Selene is damned psyched as well, I have no idea why. School school SchoollllL!!!

I get to use my brain!

2009-04-16T03:57:00.002+08:00

I hate waking up in the middle of the night. I hate it I hate it!

I hate it even more when someone wakes me up and I can't go back to bed after that. I mean, what can you do at 3am at night, and you can't sleep?

I decided earlier today that I had my last cigarette. After that phone call, I couldn't stay idle anymore cause I was giong crazy.

Thank god there's a petrol kiosk near my place. And guess who bought a new pack! Damn.

Thinking back, leaving the house at 3 am at night wasn't exactly a great idea. You'll be surprised how many men there are prowling the streets at 3 am at night. Don't these men get tired at all? Don't they need to sleep? Christ.

I don't see the point of this blog post at all. Seriously. I think I just don't have anything to do right now, and I can't go back to sleep.

Okay. Ishan's talking to me online. Entertainment! Adios amigos!

Delayed shock

2009-04-12T11:27:00.003+08:00

Okay, since my blog readership is down to about 17 people a day, I can safely assume that the only people who read this blog are close friends of mine. Or people who hate me.

Oh whichever.

So, since no one who doesn't know is going to read this, I'm just going to admit it out here.

I'm still completely and utterly heartbroken.

Jesus. (No Selene, I still haven't cried. So much for your theory. An anthropologist you will not make.)

While I don't wake up every single day with him popping into my mind immediately anymore, he still takes precedence in my mind. At completely random moments, like when I'm eating, or when I'm laughing with my friends, or when I am about to go to bed, he pops up, and my mood immediately turns bad.

In a way I guess I am never truly happy, but neutral? But when he comes into mind, the neutral mood turns sour.

I still miss him, and though it's getting to be rarer, I still see things around that remind me about him. I still hear music that brings to mind when we laughed and sang along to it. Slowly, I'm getting over it, but it still hurts like hell.

I screwed things up, and I'm aware of that. But how is it physically possible to forget everything that we've been through? There were the bad things, and there were the good. How, after everything, can he doubt that I was true to him? Why would I have done the things that I did if I didn't care about him?

Oh damn.

I've been keeping all that locked up for so long. I'm sure my friends were all waiting for something like this to pop up when I ran back to Singapore to heal, but I appeared to be fine, laughing, going clubbing yada yada yada.

It makes me wonder how long more I can keep up this facade of being fine. It's like there's a constant pressure in my head, and everytime I remember him, I bite my lips and tighten my fists until the memory fades.

I wish I could fake the part of nonchalance about Hakeem, but the fact is that I really really cared about him.

I remember when Denise Lim told me that when things happen to me, I don't face it, I just push it into the back of my mind and try to run away from it. It happened when I was raped, the next day I woke up, I was fine, but nightmares still plague me to this day. Then with Viknesh, I just ignored it, hoping he would stop.

Now I'm doing the same thing with Hakeem, because pretending that I don't care is my only defense mechanism. I'm pushing everything away, trying to forget all of it, while at the same time going out with a giant smile on my face and making everyone believe that I don't have feelings.

Indeed, if you come to me 2 hours later when I'm not suffering from this overwhelming emotion that's threatening to choke me, I would say that I don't feel anything at all. My excuse would probably be that after writing this post, I feel purged, and have realised that I have moved on. Or something along those lines.

Now, I'm glad I have wonderful wonderful friends who've stuck by me even after they discovered my ugliest side. The ones who promise that we'll always be friends and actually keep it.

I can't help feeling bitter over "I promise babe. I promise. No matter what k?"

xoxo

2009-04-11T11:46:00.003+08:00

Geez.

This has got to be one of my best ideas in a long time.

I've forgotten the last time I've had this much fun.

Go check out this blog.

http://www.battleofthelims.blogspot.com

Whoo!

There's a link in my Links labelled Funny shit. Go check it out. Seriously.

I don't know if it s only funny for me, but you can go see, and tell me if you're laughing your ass off.

Cheers! I'm off to the toilet.

2009-04-10T12:16:00.002+08:00

I have been watching Friends non-stop for the past week.

Dude, it's addictive! Have you ever wondered which one you most resemble? And yes I know that there are tests that will tell you which one you are.

Think I have a little bit of Rachel and Phoebe. Hahahaha, I'm spoilt and ditzy like Rachel, and I'm a little crazy and weird like Phoebe.

Fun! I want to just tell you people, that Tim Tams inflate your bodies like nothing else in the world.

I gained like 5 kg over 3 weeks just from those Tim Tams! It's depressing, really. Haha.

I actually contemplated flying back to Singapore earlier this week. Its not so much that I miss Singapore, but more of missing my friends and family. I would think back on some of the times we shared, like dancing and recording songs together, and I would MISS the hell out of them.

Kim, I still have those songs we recorded on my itunes. Haha, seriously, it sounds horrible.

Okay, smoke break!

2009-04-06T16:13:00.002+08:00

Fazlan was complaining to me about how I don't update often enough for his tastes.

Seriously.

What the hell am I supposed to update about?

I have been so busy bringing groups around Perth. It's kinda dull sometimes, and you can get so infuriated by some of the tourists, but other than that, it's a pretty relaxed job.

And can I just say, the drivers of the tour buses are all dirty old men. And its sad how desperate they are for attention. It seems like being on tour when they were younger, they got a lot of action or something, and now that they're old, they think they can get away with the same things.

They start talking to me about sex (IN DETAIL), and hitting on me etc, thinking that I would be okay with it. Now, I'm no prude, I can joke about sex, but the way they try to get me to talk about stuff is just disgusting. Another decides to hit on me by buying me jewelry.

Thank god my boss is nice. I just commented on the things that have been happening, and he went to screw those drivers over. Fantastic stuff. Haha, and right after he screwed them over, one driver called me up to insist that he's not after my body, but just wants to have dinner as friends.

I shall desist.

Besides that, my boss introduced me to this business partner of his the other night at dinner. Now, they insist on celebrating my 21st birthday in style. Hahahahaha. Looks like I won't be alone on my birthday after all. Man, I merely mentioned that my cat peed on my bed, and my boss' friend told my boss to get me a new apartment.

Yes, GET, not rent.

Oh, good news Ishan. This business partner may be interested in sponsoring our India Project.

Anyway, school starts in, 14 days! I seriously can't wait. Been bumming around way too long. AND, I have discovered that people can be a lot more scheming than I thought that they could be.

So, Mel, Selene and Kim are coming down to Perth. And so are Carla and James it seems. As things would have it, they're both supposed to come down on the 21st of June. Awesome. Lots of friends.

Let's hope that the apartment my boss deposited me in is still available to me then, then we can all stay there! 5 bedrooms!

Fingers crossed girls.

Love love,

Janice.

(Happy, Fazlan?)

2009-04-02T14:51:00.002+08:00

I jsut got back from a farm, and received affirmation that I am indeed happy.

I don't cringe away from come ons anymore!

And no, those dates were not dates k girls? They were more like, "I don't know how to say no, so I'll go out with you."

So anyway, school is FINALLY going to start, and work is so freaing fun! It's like it's not work la. Oh, and I'm getting free driving lessons. Since I go up to the country so often, I can just drive and drive and drive to no end.

Expect me to drive by June. Whee!

Lol. Hopefully when Melissa, Selene and Kim get down here, I can drive you guys around.

Fantastic stuff!

Now, I have to go salvage the fried rice my friend is cooking. Excuse me.

LOVE LOVE.

2009-03-25T23:58:00.004+08:00

Sometimes you do things out of folly, and you end up regretting what you did.

At this point, I can't decide if what I just did was bad, or if its a good start to a new life. To start anew in some sense.

Hmm.

I don't know. I feel kind of weird, but in a way, I feel like doing what I did, I've proven that he is not essential to my life.

Whichever.

The training is going well. Got to see many beautiful places.

I think I've seen more natural landscapes the past few days than I have my entire life. Ahhhhh.
And since I go to these places alone, I stand at the verge of the most beautiful places in Perth, and I realise that I am happy.

I may have made mistakes, I may be a horrible person in other people's eyes, but as long as I'm at peace with myself, I'm happy.

It's a wonderful feeling to stand in the middle of the sea alone, to look out on the vast expanse in front of you. You take a breath, and you feel like there is nothing wrong in this world.

Then stand in the middle of the desert, mounds and mounds of sand dunes surrounding you, and you feel like the only person in the world. The beauty of it all simply overwhelms you.

I don't know, my way of meditating or something. Lol.

I find that I'm happier when I keep myself busy. So busy I shall be.

ANNNNNDDDD, next on the itinerary, ROTTNEST ISLAND here I come! Wheee!

You know, I might as well jsut make use of the time I have now to enjoy it, cause in time to come, I'll just get way too sick of it to enjoy it.

2009-03-21T22:22:00.002+08:00

I went jogging this evening.

And then I thought, Hmm, it s not that cold. How about just going for dinner in my shorts and tank top?

Or rather, that was my friend's idea. Thinking it wouldn't take longer than an hour to finish dinner and get back home.

Yea. It took about an hour for us to place an order, and another hour for the food to come.

And we sat outside.

IT WAS DAMN FREAKING COLD LA!

I was shaking like mad, and kept trying to sip water to occupy myself. Which on hindsight wasn't very smart, since we were served ice water.

Ordered at 715, ate at 845.

Wah.

Okay, to be fair, the food was fantastic. Authentic Nasi Lemak! With FANTASTIC sambal ikan bilis.

BUT STILL. The cold was actually biting. I'm going to just DIE in winter.

Going to DIE.

Whooo!

Okay.

Gotta do my laundry tomorrow. Running out of clean underwear.

Hahahahahahaha.

PLUS, date tomorrow!

2009-03-19T18:40:00.002+08:00

So I'm in Perth, getting ready to stay here for the next 6 years.

I'm feeling pretty elated, yet still pretty sorry for myself. All the usual stupid whining things that sounds so insignificant in light of the struggles my friends have to face.

To put it bluntly, I have it good.

I have a family that can provide my every monetary need. I have a brilliant education to look forward to, and I have friends who I know I can rely upon any time I need to.

I am not left wanting for anything.

And yet, I still suffer from the occasional "Oh I'm so upset" sentiment.

I need to snap out of the hole that I'm in, and if that means facing my demons, I'll do it as soon as I can.

Then after that, hopefully, I can get on the mend, and start feeling happy without the guilt.

On to happier things. My parents are looking to buy a place here, so that means I won't have to stay in rented places after this year.

AND, Eunice should be coming here to study, so that's something to look forward to.

Life here's pretty monotonous, and there isn't much one can do.

Oh, I think I got a job! Haha, from this guy who took a fancy to me. Awesome shit. Really, sometimes it pays to be able to hide everything and be nothing but charming.

2009-03-13T00:42:00.002+08:00

I just went into Eunice's room to talk to her, and to get her opinion on something.

She was sleeping.

So like any disrespecting sister, I turned on the light and shook her awake, and poured my heart out.

Her response was to snore.

And so, I poked her belly to show my displeasure.

Her leg jerked up and her knee connected with my nose.

Which I should tell you is now bleeding profusely.

The upside is that it isn't broken.

The downside? It's bleeding. PLUS, she won't even remember that it happened when she wakes up in the morning.

She just turned around and continued sleeping la!

Seriously, that girl can sleep through ANYTHING.

If there was a fire, I won't even be able to salvage the one thing that matters to me, because I would have to choose HER! She won't wake even with the fire tickling her ass!

Damn it. And don't any of you dare say that I deserve it k, cause how many times have I woken up when either sister came into my room needing help?!

What, the waking up gene dosen't exist in either of them?

ROAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!

K, I'm bleeding over my keyboard.

I'm going to my corner to whimper now. =(

Ouch.

2009-03-10T12:31:00.002+08:00

A girl just came up to me randomly on Facebook and started asking me questions about my sexuality.

Whether I like sucking dicks, and where I like them. And then she went on about whether I like doing it with girls.

Then she went on about how I have such a fantastic ass and I should do a nude photoshoot with her photographer.

HOW WEIRD IS THAT?

And it's really REALLY weird, when the girl you're talking to is your age. It's disturbing to know that those words are spewing out of her filthy mind.

Urgh.

There is such a thing as being too open. You think I am bad? Wait till she pounces on you. You will shudder.

Anyway. I'm heading back to Perth. And why not right? The tickets are all booked, everything is settled there. Why uproot myself again? I'll just go back and face what I know I have to face.

Can't believe that when I leave this time, it'll be for good. Hahahaha, as my Primary school motto goes, "Towards Excellence!" Whoo, go PEIXIN PRIMARY SCHOOL.

Okay. Gotta head to the bank. There's a screw up with my credit card application. Bloody hell la, like I have nothing better to do than to re-apply.

2009-03-08T18:04:00.002+08:00

OH oh oh.

Today's also Women's Liberation Day.

Ironic.

The photoshoot today went well. Lots of fun!

And apparently I have a very nice ass. Ha. Don't I wish.

What did you do to liberate yourself today?

;)

2009-03-08T11:36:00.003+08:00

Today is simultaneously a very happy, and very sad day.

Remember it, for days like this day wont come around anymore often for me.

Plus, I think I'm going bald. Damn.

2009-03-07T15:14:00.002+08:00

Man oh man.

Nothing like a good bout of shopping to cheer you up.

And a good night out with the girls.

And a hot dancing session on that night.

WHEEEEEE.

Can I just say, I've always known Kim can dance. But DAMN, can that girl dance.

WHOO! Fanning myself. Hot. HOT. ;)

2009-03-06T18:42:00.002+08:00

Hahahaha.

My dad just commented that Maggie Q looks haggard and weird.

FINALLY, someone who agrees with me.

I'm thinking of transferring my studies to London.

2009-03-05T12:13:00.003+08:00

Promptly after this photo was taken, I screamed to Jane. "I have a butt, I HAVE A BUTT!!!"

Lol.

Last night was fun. Though what happened after I left the girls wasn't so much fun. Scary shit.

And yes Fazlan, you're coming along on friday.

I don't really know what I'm doing now. I seem to be waiting for something to happen.

It's weird. I feel rather blocked off from everything, as if my subconscious built up defenses for me while I was unaware. It rather feels like I'm dreaming.

I haven't cried yet. And that's weird because I'm a champion crier. And according to my friends, when I'm unaware that I'm being watched, my face usually looks like my dog just died.

Selene's prediction is that one day, something will happen, whether miniscule or catastrophic will happen, and my breakdown will occur.

Selene: How about we make you sad, so you can start crying? Then while you're crying, you can start thinking about what happened, then you can cry it away.

MAKES NO SENSE LA.

I miss you ginger.

2009-03-04T00:21:00.003+08:00

I don't know how to proceed from here.

I've took the first step. And am now at a loss.

Memories assault my senses every moment of the day. And it dosen't help that Singapore seems to be saturated with cats these days.

Damn. It's harder than I thought it would be.

On the bright side, I've lost 4 kilograms since last week. I have no idea whether that is physically possible. I also have no idea if that IS a bright side. Probably not.

It's like I don't need food to survive.

Have you ever wondered where you will go after you die? Assuming of course, that the concept of heaven and hell is true.

I don't have a doubt as to where I'll end up. So you know, if you die, and I'm the first one you see when you awake, you'll know you're in hell.

Hee.

2009-03-02T11:06:00.002+08:00

You said there's tons of fish in the waters,
so the waters I will test.
He kissed my lips I taste your mouth,
He pulled me in I was disgusted with myself.

Cause when I'm with him,
I am thinking of you.
Thinking of you,
What you would do if,
you were the one who was spending the night,
oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes.

I'm a liar, an accomplished actress.

Being my friend does not necessarily mean that you're safe from what I do.

My charm, my apparent loyalty, my unsolicited concern is all a mask which I can throw aside at the slightest provocation.

Everything that I do is calculated to bring me joy in some form.

Maybe there are a few people that I will never treat like that. A few people among the many that I know whom I will forever stay loyal and a friend to, simply because I know these are the few people who would also stay by my side through anything.

The only problem is that I'll tell every single one of you that you are one of the few.

And I'm sure, completely secure in the fact that those few special people would not need me to tell them who they are.

I am not proud of the person I've become, and I'm not going to say that I'm trying to change, because I've said all that too many times before. I won't hide what I've done before.

Maybe I'm a manipulator, maybe I'm a liar, maybe I'm many things. But one thing I have never been is naive, and that is the mistake you made in thinking that I am.

My mistake was in letting myself fall when I knew it would end up with everyone scraped.

I should not make friends, because I will end up hurting them.

I should not have a lover, because I will end up lying to him.

I should know all this, and yet I end up making the same mistakes over and over again.

And so this episode has woken me up. Lost me one of the pieces on my chessboard that I actually fell for, and another pawn that was supposed to be a friend to me. Two birds with a stone.

I feel like going on a spree on rampant wildness. To screw everything, and say fuck off to everyone I meet, simply because I can.

Then I remember that I have no right to be upset, no right to behave this way.

And so the only thing I can do is do what I can still do best, as when I was a child. Disappear quietly into the background.

2009-02-26T23:51:00.002+08:00

I did something bad.

Have done many things that are bad, and am now only suffering the consequences.

I lost many things that meant something to me, and I suppose this is the only way to wake me up. Because now I really do feel awake, really do feel the need to change.

I'm not a very good person.

2009-02-26T17:37:00.002+08:00

Whoo!

The weather today was fantastic!

Damn cold, I like!

Anyway, this is the grass patch in front of the clock tower at the UWA campus.

See Lasalle people? I have real grass instead of the fake synthetic grass patch!

Haha, but yes, I will have always had the most fun on Lasalle's patch. How we spelt vagina (or fuck) on it with our bodies.

Fantastic!

2009-02-25T19:43:00.002+08:00

Whooo!!!

I just finished eating fish sambal, chicken masala, and mutton curry with briyani.

Seriously.

I thought that being in Perth alone here, I would starve to death, because I'm way too lazy to cook or buy food.

INSTEAD, I get fantastic room mates who cook for me!

All I have to do is the dishes.

Hahaha.

Last night, my room mate decided that she was hungry, so she heated up chicken ham, salami, fried eggs and toasted bread. And we had a humongous sandwich at 1 am at night. Haha. She can put subway out of business.

I'm going to get fat here. =(

Oh, and the weather here is getting cold without any warning. It was what, 36, 37 last weekend, and today it went down to 15. Tomorrow's predicted to be 13 degrees.

FROZE my ass off , because I thought it was going to be warm so I wore something cool. It wasn't that bad, until it started raining, and the wind starts blowing it into your face.

Haha. It's nice though. I'll sit in the backyard with my book, and enjoy the weather with my caffe mocha. Fantastic!

It's a nice place, Perth. Relaxing. I actually took a nap this afternoon. Hahahahaha.

Now, I'm going to go drink some milk, curl up in my blanket on the sofa, and watch criminal minds.

2009-02-24T21:42:00.001+08:00

I can see now how much time I've wasted by hanging on.

Thinking that if I held on long enough, tried hard enough, or made more of an effort, a miracle would happen. Or I don't know, one day you would wake up and see that I have always been by your side.

In doing so, I've been hindering my own progress, cutting off what happiness or enjoyment I could have had, just so that I could be there for you whenever you needed me.

And the saddest part of it all is that this was all self inflicted. I did all this by myself, made the decisions to drop things by myself, sacrificed what I did by myself. And through it all, whenever I felt like just leaving, you would bestow upon me an insignificant amount of attention or affection, and I would feel that it is all worth it.

And now that I'm in Perth, I see that everything is so different than what I thought it was. I found that everything that was so important to me means nothing to you. I find that when I try to be there for you, you brush off whatever I have to say.

Not only are you not there for me, you're not interested in me being there for you.

So what have I been all this time?

I finally admitted it to myself last night that though I made you the centre of my world, and made you come first on my list of priorities, I may have never made it onto yours.

Right now, I possibly don't even come into your mind anymore. And even though I try to keep myself as occupied as possible, not only do you creep into my mind at random times of the day, you're the last thing on my mind when I sleep, and the first when I wake.

I hate it, because thinking about you does not give me joy, but instead brings me heartache, creates a lump in my throat, and makes tears well up in my eyes.

So I am doing my best.

I am doing everything that I can to not think about you. Doing all I can to give you the space that you didn't ask for, but demanded for by your actions.

So, I am going for Yoga tomorrow.

=)

2009-02-23T21:37:00.003+08:00

Finally, something other than instant noodles for dinner.

And MAN! The weather was horrible today! It looks damn nice right? It was freaking 37 degrees in this picture!

I think.

Oh whichever.

But it's really nice here in the morning and nights. Damn cold.

PLUS, the sky is filled with stars. So rare.

Really, I sit in the backyard on the chaise. Holding a mug of hot chocolate, reading a book. Then I glance up and WHAM! A nightsky filled with stars.

Makes you feel so peaceful and sad at the same time.

Weird right?

The last time I was under an expanse of stars like this with someone was such a long time ago. Things have changed so much since then.

Oh well, I'll keep this view for myself for now.

2009-02-21T17:34:00.002+08:00

Eh.

Nothing much to talk about leh.

All the Perth photos are up on Facebook if you want to take a look.

Haha.

I just moved into my room! The people here are great. Friendly. And she COOKS.

Oh yea, I just know I'm going to get wayyyy fat here.

But anyway, there seems to be something wrong with me. I seem to like to walk a lot here.

Like just today, I walked from Northbridge to Inglewood. That would be a distance of about..... I don't know actually. But I walked for about one and a half hours. Seriously.

And okay! The sun here is freaking insane!

I was out in the city shopping, and I got a tan! Now my chest and arms are brown, but the rest of me is fair. My god, the weirdest tan ever.

HOT here man. Please please please let winter come quick. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

HMMMMMM.

Oh ya, Samuel! Here got hot australian chicks! Want me to find for you not? Hahahahahaha! Yea I agree, I'm still the best.

Anddddd, I think I'm okay now. Albeit some things are upsetting me, things that I can tell no one, but overall, I'm fine.

Going to sneak into a few lectures that are not part of my course. Haha. Have a happy weekend people.

Loves.

2009-02-20T19:59:00.001+08:00

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

Because Eunice says so.

2009-02-15T18:23:00.001+08:00

Well, so I am here!

Haha.

The internet connection in my hostel is pretty shit, so I'm at some internet cafe, typing this out. Definitely looking for a house to rent right now! So you guys can all stay at my place when you come visit! Wheeee!

Anyway, so the weather here is definitely cooler than Singapore. Don't know why all my friends keep complaining that Perth is soooo hot. I think it's quite cool. Ha.

So far, it's been good. I live right smack in town, so things are pretty convenient. But the hostel is damn ulu. Damn scary. MOVING OUT!

I don't have any homesickness yet... =(

Haha.

The pace here is slower. The people seem to be damnnnned relaxed. I feel like I shouldn't act hyper. Haha. But it's pretty, the river has dolphins in it.

And yea, I started shopping already. Hahahahahaha!

Okay la, we'll see how much better (or worse) it gets.

Love love!

2009-02-12T11:57:00.003+08:00

They say in times of strife you find out who your real friends are.

Granted, my situation can't really be counted as being in times of trouble, but it's the next closest thing.

I wonder if I should be worried that I don't find it troubling that I'm losing people who I thought were friends.

Hmm.

Oh well. One more day!

Whoo. I'm scared shitless.

2009-02-10T11:16:00.001+08:00

3 days.

Tired. =(

I feel like burrowing into my covers and staying there till my stuff is all packed.

Hahahaha.

2009-02-09T07:36:00.003+08:00

Well people.

It appears that I'm leaving much earlier than my 33 days.

Talk about a dramatic change of events.

Exciting! And freaking scary.

Happy Valentine's. =)

2009-02-08T17:43:00.001+08:00

Rawr.

2009-02-04T21:15:00.002+08:00

And we're down to 38.

Oh god, thank god there arent any peopel at home.

I'm basically screaming ballads out loud. Whoo Shiok!

I just finished dancing for one solid hour, and I'm sweating buckets.

Then I switched on Aretha Franklin and am now systemetically destroying her songs.

How fantastic is that?

Of course, my whole body's going to ache tomorrow. Hee.

You make me feel like a natural womannnnnnnnnnnn~!

2009-02-02T20:28:00.003+08:00

The silence that filled the cold hospital room was heavy. As Adie sat by the old lady's side, flashes of the past whisked through her mind.

Nana scratching her back while she slept.

Nana dipping whipped cream onto her grandaughter's nose.

Nana standing in front of the heavy oak wardrobe, choosing clothes for Adie to wear.

Nana was the first person Adie had ever known. She was the one who had brought Adie up when her Adie's own parents had been too busy to, choosing instead to leave her with Nana for the first nine years of her life. Thinking of her parents brought a familiar surge of anger to Adie which she tried to suppress.

Nana was on her sickbed, has been for 2 months, but not a single one of them had bothered to show up, to give her at least a pretense of a happy family. Even though Nana never uttered a complaining word, God bless her, Adie knew all she wanted was her children with her when she passed.

Her mood changed from simmering to boiling hot. The pathetic excuses her own parents had come up with. Busy my ass. How busy do you think Nana was when you threw your 3 children to her? She slogged to raise us! And what did this reaction garner? No more than a raised brow and a dismissive wave. Selfish! Selfish and unfeeling is what they were, every last one of them.

She pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a heavy sigh. She had not slept for 3 days, and though she didnt want to admit it, it was getting to her. She was simply too afraid to close her eyes for long. Everytime she did, she bolted up every 5 minutes, afraid that something irrevocable would happen, and she would miss her last chance with the person she loved most in the world.

Not much longer. That was the doctor's prognosis when Adie asked him how much more time Nana had. That had been painful. But still not as painful as seeing how much Nana struggled to get through every single day. Seeing her once youthful, chubby cheeks pale and hollow out. Adie didn't know how much longer she would be able to stand watching her grandmother waste away, and suffering every minute of it.

Turning her attention to the bed, Adie rested her head by her grandmother's hand. This is all that I have left with you nana. She grasped the soft lined hand and closed her eyes.

I love you so much.

2009-01-31T12:23:00.000+08:00

I can't believe that I'm feeling left out and hurt about this.

Childish, irrational behaviour.

But as it goes, I'll miss you.

2009-01-23T23:48:00.002+08:00

Counting down.

50 days to go.

I just got an email informing me that my student visa has been approved.

WHOO! It's so damn scary now la.

Visa settled, accomodation settled, fees settled. Everything has fallen into place. Now all I need to do is wait till time is up.

AHHHHHHH! I'm freaking out. Okay la, even I have to admit my life has been going pretty well these few weeks.

I got shortlisted for Cleo's guest editor thingy. Whoo, still damned high about that. Now all I need to do is get cracking on that essay.

THEN, I'm writing a piece on teenage deliquency for BBC'S internship programme as well. Again, all I need to do is to get my ass moving on this.

Haha. All is good, all is swell.

I guess in a way, your life always balances itself out.

There are certain times of day when I feel like crap, simply because I'm agonising over matters I have no control over.

But, no matter how crappy one aspect of it may be, there will always be other parts that brightens up and lifts you off your feet.

I suppose I can't mope around and say that my life sucks, because it really dosen't. It's going pretty good actually, if I think about it.

I understand that work is imperative in a person's life, because through work, you gain satisfaction in the fact that you've accomplished something.

I've been lazing around for far too long, lost sight of my capabilities. In other words, I became a slob.

But it's okay.

I've started writing again. For a while there, I couldn't write, I couldn't draw, I couldn't pull anything out of me.

Then the other day, I was just sitting with a notepad in my lap (it's like a habit for me to always have a blank page in front of me), and my mind suddenly filled itself with relationships, and plots, and paragraphs after paragraphs just popped into my mind. I just kept writing, and writing, and writing, until the story purged itself out of my mind.

I can write again! You can't see it, but I'm grinning like a self satisfied cat after licking up a bowl of cream.

2009-01-22T19:31:00.002+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I just finished helping my parents pack all the red packets.

This is still the best way to learn how much each of my cousins are getting. (annd how much my sisters and I are getting.)

Hahaha.

Told Eunice that she's getting $438.

Say those numbers in chinese. Hehe.

And now, I just can't wait for Chinese New Year to be over. All the garish decorations, and the cheesy chinese music. Whoo! Horrible.

2009-01-19T20:20:00.002+08:00

Medical check ups are a pain in the ass.

I just applied for my visa on Friday, went for my medical today.

And, counting down, there are 54 more days before I leave.

Shit. 54 days. Will. Pass. Really. Quickly.

Damn it, why did I have to go count the days.

I don't feel ready. Seems like I have so much to get together before I leave you know?

And in a way, it seems really surreal. I don't think it will really hit me that I'm leaving until I'm saying goodbye at the airport.

Damn it! I'm scared.

What if I fail at this?

And seriously, let's just scrap the Bintan plan. Troublesome.

Sigh.

I can't look beyond the moment right now. I'm just so involved in stuff, that I can't look beyond, to what it'll be like, living alone in Perth.

Ah well.

Okay. I just bought the complete Desperate Housewives Dvd Boxset.

Excuse me while I immerse myself in ridiculous drama.

Love love.

2009-01-16T14:16:00.001+08:00

So.

Who's up for a Bali trip tentatively set for the 30th, 31st, 1st?

My farewell party!

Damn. I was having breakfast with Fazlan and Jane when this idea just popped up.

COME COME! MY FRIENDS MUST COME! Everyone's invited!

And since I'm online all the time, come and rsvp with me!

I'll post it on facebook when it's confirmed.

Haha, and it's supposed to be Fazlan's ORD party as well. HA! It's MINE bitch!

2009-01-13T01:48:00.002+08:00

This was taken back in 2007. I think.

Elljay took this photo of me. Or Jem, I'm not sure who.

What I'm sure of is that this photo of me was taken during a time when I was still someone who had the grit to do as she thought was right.

The person that I am now is unscrupulous.

I have done things that betrayed every principle I've ever set for myself. Things done in a fit of impulse, a moment of thoughtlessness to everything I believed in.

I have never thought myself as someone great, regardless of the many times I boasted that I was the greatest person alive. In my heart I knew that I wasn't a great person. I may be nice, I may be friendly, or I may be the most happy-go-lucky person any of you had ever met, but I knew that if it came down to it, my deepest darkest thoughts would betray all that I portrayed.

And yet, I had never betrayed who I was.

That picture personifies me at my stage of innocence. I was untouched by the darker thoughts I harboured, I restrained myself.

I am not that person any longer, because of a minute of stupidity. Because of that moment, I have degraded myself to the level of people I previously despised from my lofty perch.

Now I see myself as a common lowlife, who would do anything to achieve her means. And now that I have gone against the standards I previously set for myself, I know that I am capable of doing it again, and more, regardless of how much I despise it.

It's like... smoking. In a way. Before you ever touched a cigarette, you were not a smoker. But the moment you smoke one, you know you can smoke another one. From the moment that cigarette touches your lips, the rest of your life will be spent restraining yourself, trying to make up for that one cigarette you touched. In a way, you have lost that innocence you once had.

In the same way, I have lost my innocence, and will have to spend the rest of my life making up for that one mistake. I will never be who I was again, because I have lost the respect I have for myself, and the because what I did was an irrevocable act. I can never go back to who I was.

Now I know that to betray one's own principle is a laughingly easy thing to do. A moment's folly is all that is needed.

I think I will take a trip, to sort out my thoughts. Get away to a place where no one knows me, and I can be free to find the strength in me again.

Denise Watt tells me that I'm the strongest person she knows, as do some of the people in my life. I'm not. For what I have done, I have just proven that I am as weak as a newborn infant, but unlike that newborn infant, I do not hold in me that precious innocence.

2009-01-12T21:05:00.002+08:00

Maybe it is my curse in life, to forever love the people who will only view me as the villain in theirs.

2009-01-10T13:57:00.002+08:00

I know you read my blog, and since you have the cheek to refuse to talk to me, you can read what I have to say here.

I know I am infinitely richer than you. In terms of monetary pleasures, friends, love and warmth, I exceed you in every way.

Just because your friends keep away from you, and you weren't careful with the money you were given, does not mean that you have the right to be jealous and covet mine.

Listen up. What I have is mine. I worked for it, I suffered for it. You have no right to it.

So the next time something like this happens again, I'm not going to give a shit about who you are, or what you meant to me. I will pursue legal action, and we both know that if this ends up there, I will outlast you.

So think about that before you try anything despicable again.

2009-01-08T17:45:00.000+08:00

Tra la la!

It's a special day today. =)

2009-01-06T20:30:00.002+08:00

Every single day,
I walk down the street,
I hear people say
"Baby," so sweet.

Ever since puberty,
everybody stares at me.
Boys, girls,
I can't help it, Baby.

So be kind,
and don't lose your mind.
Just remember,
that I'm your baby.

Take me for what I am.
Who I was meant to be.
And, if you give a damn,
take me baby, or leave me.

What do you think of my new poem?

NAH! Ha, I wish I could come up with something like that. No inspiration la, these days.

That was from the song Take Me or Leave me from Rent.

Denise was all like, "You're exactly like Maureen! Go listen to that song!"

And then Stuart went, "Ya! Exactly the same!"

Hmm. You guys do know that Maureen is bisexual, and a flirtatious, insanely crazy bohemian actress right?

2009-01-05T08:55:00.001+08:00

Hahaha.

Denise Watt seems to be under the misguided impression that I get a lot of hot men here in Singapore. And that when I leave, it means that there are all the more for her.

Well, maybe that's true. Hahaha, but still woman, you know our tastes are completely different!

I go for the hot kind, and you go for the ugly kinds!

And you know I'm not being mean. You know that's the sad truth. But hey, you see beyond the surface, good for you.

Anyway, how has the new year been for everyone?

My car broke down in the middle of the high way on the first day of the new year. Hahahaha. I even took pictures.

Then I got sick, because I apparently have not been eating enough at all. Ulcer. My dad's been yelling at me being too skinny, and Denise for being like him. That guy, never satisfied. Skinny, he dosen't like, fat he also don't like. Tsk.

And then, I remember that I haven't applied for my student visa yet, because I'm waiting for another document to arrive from Australia.

AND, that I'm leaving in 2 months and 20 days...

Woah.

How's it been for you? Haha.

Talking to my friend the other night, I realised that I'm not very happy with the life I'm leading. As I go on day to day, what am I actually doing? It's like there isn't a point in anything that I'm doing.

There isn't a reason for me to wake up in the morning and feel good about myself. It's like there is a disconnection between me and the world, and I'm just living in it because I don't have any other choice.

I feel like there isn't a POINT in my life. Like I haven't been doing anything useful at all, and I am simply not satisfied with that. Feels like I've been in a dream this whole time, and now I'm awake. Really awake for the first time in months.

I changed my major that I'm going to study in Perth, hoping that it will give me some meaning in life. I'm still going to major in writing, that's definite, but I'm taking on another one.

Haha, Dafne said that I never change, and that this major suits me down to the core. Typical Janice, she said.

Sigh.

All this while I've been doing what I want, when I want, without any consideration to the future, or whether or not it is relevant to me.

With acting, I took it up, partly because I wanted to, and partly because it wasn't really work to me.

It seems that I always take the easy way out, and I hate that about myself.

Ah! New year resolutoions?

Okay, I hate new year resolutions. They're tacky, and it seems stupid and antiquated to me that people have to resolve to do something at the beginning fo the year. What, June resolutions aren't possible? Tchhh.

Anyway. I resolve, to not waste a single day of this year, because this year, will be the defining one for me.

Good enough?

Be that as it may, PEOPLE! I'M LEAVING IN 2 MONTHS! TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET OF ME WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

Oh by the way. Since I'm leaving, I'm going to sell off most of my wardrobe, books, knick knacks, and electronics.

Anyone wants a brand new _________, come to me. I'll probably have it.

Oh god, can't believe I'm auctioning my cast offs online. Stop it. Tsk.

Ah well, guys, I don't know if I'll miss anything here, but I'll miss the familiarity here.

And of course you can all come visit me while I'm there. Janice's hostel 24/7/365.

2008-12-31T20:27:00.000+08:00

This year,

I am thankful for,

My sisters. Without them I would have to bear the brunt of my parents disapproval alone.

And for the many hours of bitchiness and laughter.

I am also thankful for the many additions to our family.

Edric.

Ayden.

Anddddd, the latest addition, Aydan.

I am thankful for the chance to reconnect with old friends.

And the new ones that I've made.

The ones that have stayed with me throughout most of my life and that pesky adolescent stage.

That we made it through that stage, and are still friends, is proof that we can weather any storm together.

Melissa, Kimberly and Selene.

Denise watt. My crazy insane friend who will always get me, because I am equally crazy and insane.

I am thankful for the many many silly and funny things that make me laugh and feel warm and fuzzy inside.

And the times that make me grin stupidly when I recall them.

But most importantly, I am thankful for the surge of will that allowed me to follow through on ridding myself of bad influences.

2008 has been a life changing year for me. Many decisions and circumstances have dictated the path forward for me.

Perth will be my new start, and my last chance. Of course, I will never forget my past, and the people who have made 2008 so memorable for me.

Lots of love my friends, and Happy New Year!

2008-12-25T20:41:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas, friends of mine!

Hopefully, every single one of you are cloistered at home with your family, sipping hot cocoa and playing games.

Haha, okay, sorry. Thats just my picture of christmas.

Reality is so far from the truth.

My sister is in the living room eating chicken rice while my parents are playing mahjong. Hahaha, talk about a direct contrast.

Anyway! Christmas dinner with Kim, Mel, and Selene at Kimmie's place tomorrow. Can't wait. The three of us really need to go crazy for a bit. Kill Kimberly's hamster maybe.

Lol, still remember Twister? That was insane. Train your thighs! Oh yea.

Okay. I shall go make hot cocoa and try to retain the spirit of Christmas.

Happy Christmas!

2008-12-24T02:15:00.000+08:00

Seriously.

When was the last time I had this much fun man.

Been cooping myself up for the longest time, and only tonight do I realise how I've been slowly killing myself.

Need to get out to get a whiff of fresh air once in a while.

WHOO!

Zarrah, you know I love you.

Oh my god.

Okay, Zaidi is tagging people non-stop in my album. This is insane, I have 20 over emails coming in simultaneously.

AND, it's late, so I'm heading to bed.

Love people.

2008-12-23T12:35:00.000+08:00

I don't care. Not anymore.

And it feels so refreshing to finally have me back.

ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYY, out for shopping with Denise Watt in a few hours. Partly, because she woke up so damn late.

Oh, I miss all my friends so much. Haven't seen any of them in so long.

And Zarrah, Melly wants me to tell you that you're the worst organiser in the history of the world.

Her words, not mine.

2008-12-23T11:59:00.000+08:00

I just received my eCoE.

Which also means I can start applying for my student visa.

Dude, you have any idea how scary that is?

Sigh.

LEAVING!

It's exciting also la.

Haha.

2008-12-21T01:58:00.000+08:00

I am hurting deeply inside, and there is not one person that I can talk to.

Nor any one person I want to talk to.

But I feel like keeping it inside is slowly starting to strangle me, so much so that sometimes, I don't think I am even on the same side of reality as the people around me.

I am waiting for something that will never come, something that will never give. And I am so sick of waiting.

Holding on, because of such a stupid reason. Stupid. And the holding on is causing me so much pain.

Why hold on, when it is so apparent that it isn't being appreciated, nor being reciprocated.

2008-12-20T16:23:00.000+08:00

Karaoke with the sister and cousins on Tuesday.

Well, it was supposed to be karaoke.

Then they decided on a movie.

Then when they suggested some horrible movie, I flat out refused.

What kind of crap movie is Cape No.7 anyway? Never heard of!

Eunice basically paid 20 dollars to sit in an air-conditioned room to sleep.

Now wait, she didn't. Cause I PAID FOR HER. *hint eunice, hint.

Okay la, don't judge us. In our defence, this song just had to be sung standing up.

It had to be! Really! OH whatever. I was in a bad mood. I'm entitled to do silly things.

Haha, this photo was completely set up.

Janice: Eh Serene, swing your hair! Eunice! Look Cool!

Eunice+Serene: OKAY!

lol.

DRUMROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL please!

Denise Watt Ai Wen was finally PRESENT for one of our meetings.

To make it even harder to believe, she was ON TIME.

Amazing. Miracles do happen.

Hahaha. And no, nothing very interesting happened.

I just happen to know that whenever I post her pictures up, my blog readership shoots up.

Oh yea. Wmama.

Haha, DENISE! Be on time on Monday or I will pull your hair out.

Oh yea, I wanna see your blonde hair!

2008-12-15T19:40:00.000+08:00

When you're faced with a loss like mine, your thoughts will undoubtedly turn to closing yourself off to protect yourself.

Never open yourself up to vulnerabilites or possibilities, because the pain is simply too much for you to bear.

I have to admit that that option has always been extremely alluring. In a way, you're just punishing yourself. You just want to feel even more miserable than you already are.

I can't do that. Shut everyone that I care about out of my life. It's selfish, it's painful, and in the long run, only hurts yourself and the people around you.

So I'll live through this. I will. And I will always be there for the people who need me, because life is too damn short to live it any other way.

Because you never know when someone you love will leave.

2008-12-15T10:17:00.001+08:00

I wonder sometimes if I'm a monster.

Like in the book, I wonder if I'm the real kind of monster. The kind who would stop at nothing to achieve what I wanted. Even if it means hurting someone.

Certainly I enjoy attention. Part of me wonders whether it's because I've always been so starved of affection and attention since I was young that I feel the constant need for the focus to be on me.

I think, I don't like myself very much anymore. I think maybe, I hate myself quite a lot. I regret every bad decision I've made in the past 9 months. Don't recognise myself anymore.

So, due to my bad decision making skills, my horrible deduction skills, I lost the one thing that has been keeping me going.

And I'm going through every hour, telling myself that I'll live, and that time will help me heal. I thought I succeeded though.

Last night, I read till I couldn't stay up any longer, and fell asleep without a thought about what I lost. My dreams were surprisingly bare too. Sleep is now the one place where I can escape to. Used to be I dreaded going to bed because of the monsters waiting in my dreams. But hey, I'm the monster now, so who's scared of those?

So, I thought it worked. Then I woke up. And the first thing that turns up in my mind, yea, you guessed it. And every inch of me stiffened and ached at the memories, and I started crying. Really, it's ridiculous, my reaction.

Eunice is sleeping beside me, totally oblivious to the fact that tears are rolling down my cheeks. She told me, last night, that it passes, this feeling. I wouldn't know, actually, since I've never lost anything unless I wanted to.

So today is my mother's 50th birthday. As she puts it, there's half a century behind her. I think I'm a fantastic actress though. At 12 am last night, despite all the sorrow I was in, I wished my mum a happy birthday, took pictures, and looked the picture of happiness and peace.

The only thing that gave me away were my overbright eyes, over enthusiastic laugh, and the way Eunice looked at me, with the pitying look. But still, parents didn't notice anything. Such are the benefits of late night soccer and turning 50.

Am supposed to celebrate my mama's birthday with her today, and I know I will put on another act, skim through everything I'm supposed to. Laugh when I'm supposed to, reply when I'm supposed to.

I will once again be the picture of happiness, while I feel completely dead and defeated inside. And that, is my bane to bear, the punishment that I am supposed to face. Be the picture of happiness until night falls, and it will once again be the last thing I think about before I sleep, and the first when I awake.

So, I hope. That time really numbs you. Not, that I'm not numb already, but you get my drift.

I think, you guys will have to bear with my lousy jokes and over enthu-ness for a while.

I joke to mask my pain you know. And hey, I think it's healthier than destroying everyone around you. I've done enough destroying.

Craving ciggies.

2008-12-14T13:36:00.000+08:00

When joy switches to longing and pain,

it's time to leave.

2008-12-08T19:39:00.000+08:00

And so, Denise Lim Si Hui has left the country.

Added to that, is her Spain exchange programme next year. So the likelihood is that I won't see her till December next year.

Oh well, she's building a school right? Should be proud and happy for her.

Anyway. The other 2 sisters crashed in my room last night for the last time, and we spent half the night taking pictures, and talking. Not so much talking, but of what transpired, it was enough.

We were talking about each other, our various defining characteristics. And the other two unanimously voted on my dramatic nature and volatility.

Denise said that life tends to go badly for me, because I overdramatize everything. When something happens, instead of acknowledging it and moving on, I harp on it and the problem gets messier as a result.

I wonder.

As with all my previous relationships, the moment I had an inkling of how I felt , I immediately made my feelings known. I detested waiting, the stupid game of courtship.

Is that another reason why I've ended up bearing the brunt of horrible and painful relationships?

The fact that I have never taken time to think things through before taking an important step. Should I therefore become more careful and guarded with my emotions, and my decisions?

Must I play the insipid game of hide and seek to protect myself?

Volatile emotions.

Recently I've been bombarded endlessly by the proof that everything that I believed in and was proud of is the reason my life is in a shambles.

It seems that the only way to get it in order is to stop bumbling around and improve on myself, to become a completely different person. To become someone who actually uses the brain that she was blessed with.

And I'm scared to give up the person I've been with for 20 years. What a time for a life change.

2008-12-07T19:29:00.001+08:00

After years and years of trying to keep my family together, I am beyond the age of caring.

No longer do I call each and everyone of them asking them where they are and whether we're having dinner together. Nor do I plan any family outings anymore.

I show up, I engage them, we go home. And yet even though I've strayed from the path of overzealous family togetherness, I still make an effort to let my family know they're loved.

I know full well that there are times when I'm overbearing and selfish beyond reason, I never took my family members for granted.

Being there for them when they sometimes don't deserve my support.

And it is with that mindset that I see my family slowly being rent apart. None of them care about what is going on with the other. For them, if their life is good, and everyone else isn't dead, it's all fine.

Denise is leaving, and she's leaving with a suave swagger, without a backward glance. All she sees is her future in front of her.

I'm leaving, and I'm scared to death that when I get back, my family won't even have that tenuous bond we've managed to hold on to for the past years.

Eunice is devestated that her two sisters are leaving. She does not plan to be home very much these next few years, because she dosen't know how to deal with our parents.

I can only imagine what is going through my parent's heads.

Being a family is supposed to be worked at, not just chucked to the corner of your mind, thinking that everything will be fine just because we happen to share the same blood.

Although technically, my blood type is different from my sisters. But you get my drift.

Ah. I just don't understand how some people don't see that at the end of the day, family is what you go back to.

2008-12-03T22:48:00.000+08:00

Janice bought herself a brand new camera!!!!

Tra la la la la!

And it's all thanks to the fact that Denise Lim lost our family camera while she was India.

AND, the fact that starting next year, all 3 Lim sisters will be in completely different countries, so no way we can share one right?

Haha, the trials and tribulations of having 3 vain, and persuasive daughters.

Yea anyway. Eunice Lim took a picture of me crocheting. Seriously, damn unglam la. But must post up, cause the end result of the crocheting is DAMN pretty!

Haha, Check it out man.

Yes, I know, extremely unglamorous. But eh, shut up ar, how many of you can actually crochet? Or knit? Or make jewelry?

Cannot right? Ah, tiam.

Okay, end product! PRETTY!

CAMERA CASE! I am damn proud of myself la.

I look at it while I'm online with my friends and I catch myself smiling at it. So pretty!

And even if you don't think it is, say it is la. =)

OH!

I finally ran out of places to put my roses. =(

I keep all the roses.

My mum keeps asking how I preserve the roses.

Before the rose petals or any flower petals for the matter starts to drop, turn them upside down, and keep them that way till they're completely dried.

The petals won't drop after that.

I love my flowers!

Anyway, check out the funny vase I dug out for my rose.

Cute right?!

Damn. This is such a bimbotic post la.

Whatever, it's been a while since I posted anything like that right.

And people, my date of departure has been fixed.

Haha, my mum, being the kiasu singaporean that she is, booked the air tickets already. "Promotion now!", she says.

Lol.

So, I'm leaving on the 14th of March.

So fast.

2008-11-26T12:07:00.001+08:00

What does marriage mean to you?

Or rather, what does committment mean to you?

For example, I don't believe in divorce. Neither do I throw in the towel easily.

I believe that as long as both parties are willing, things can always work out. If you were together once, it means that you once had something in common. And no matter how bad things were, it can always be resolved.

I am the sort of person who dosen't forget a friend. Once my friend, always my friend.

I know, I make it sound like a death sentence.

But still. It would take overwhelmingly startling evidence that you're despicable, before I give up on someone I know.

I mean, I would help my friend drag a dead body to dispose of if she explained the reason behind why she did it. In my eyes, my friends will always get the benefit of the doubt with me.

I will never forgo a friend.

I think it may be because I grew up with so little familial influence, that my friends inevitably became my family instead. I sought comfort from them, I derived who I became from aspects of my friends that I thought good. I have a little bit of all my friends in me.

In other words, I am one of a kind. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, no, I did not go one big round just to praise myself.

What I want to point out is, that I don't give up easily. I'll always make an effort to reconcile with the people I care about.

Unless they make me despise them la, that's a different story.

So you know, I know it's different for everyone. Are you the kind who would let a friend drift away, just because you're too lazy to pop a call, or to send a text?

Because if you are, I hope you make more of an effort if and when you choose to have a life with someone else.

2008-11-25T11:49:00.000+08:00

It appears that I am leaving a lot earlier than I expected.

Which would also mean that I'm left with another 3 months with all of you before I leave for Perth.

Really. 3 more months. 3 months passes by really quickly my friends.

I can't believe it's moving so quickly. It's like my course of life has changed so dramatically in such a short time. But hey, I like change.

Can I just reiterate how soon I will be leaving?

So you know, if my friends will miss me, *HINT HINT*, they would ask me out more often before I'm gone. *HINT HINT*

So, the end of 2008 is approaching. Seems like it just begun! If I think back about it, there weren't may major events that occurred this year.

Hmm.

Wait. Okay, maybe there were quite a few.

Haha, I was going through my notebooks a few days ago. You guys will not believe how many notebooks I have, all of them half scribbled in, with my thoughts and reflections, or short stories, or novels in the making.

It's quite interesting actually. I can just randomly pull out a notebook from my shelf and be entertained by my thoughts for more than an hour.

Anyway, I found this notebook that I kept for a short while in the beginning of 2008. I came past this entry that I wrote down when I was in the dressing room for Yang Sisters.

Haha, I sounded so happy. "I believe 2008 is going to be a fantastic year!", I wrote.

Looking back, I supppose 2008 has been a fantastic year. And quite a miserable one. All for the same reason. I changed a lot this year, learnt a lot this year. And whoo, got rid of negative influences this year!

I could say that this year is the year that I actually have a chance to start anew! And boy, did I start anew. Going to perth~~ *whistles

Anyway, I'm going out for lunch with Daf and Melly now. PEOPLE WHO ASK ME OUT. Lol. Desperate. Okay, stop Janice stop.

See you guys soon!

2008-11-19T14:17:00.000+08:00

Zarrah just told me that she's pulling a "Janice" and transferring to Theatre Arts, because she thinks it's stupid to stay in a course she dosen't even like.

Since when did my actions turn into something people can call "A Janice"?

Haha.

Now that my education in Perth is all paid for, and I'm definitely going, I'm starting to feel scared. I realise I've been making light of the whole situation.

I'm going to be there alone, away from my family and friends. I can already see the scenario that awaits me, sitting in my room, feeling utterly alone.

Haha, dramatic, I know.

And my parents are paying a shitload of money to send me there. What if I let them down? I've never been the most motivated of students. There is actually a high chance that I would slack off.

Haha, maybe it's a good thing that I'm going to be lonely there. I'll be so lonely, I'll have no choice but to study to stave off the loneliness!

There we go, perfect solution.

Hahaha, so full of crap.

Miss

2008-11-15T22:17:00.000+08:00

I think the concept of retail therapy actually works.

Seriously.

I was feeling all moody and grumpy (no doubt because of my oncoming red friend), and after a bout of shopping, I feel so much better!

Like, really. I actually feel happier. How superficial am I, that I can actually feel better through the material gains?

Yea, I thought about that, then got all grumpy again. Haha, this is when I tell myself that I shouldn't think so much, because when I start to think, I start to find all those little flaws that I hate about myself.

So, I watched tv with my younger sister. =( And did this weird excercise where you lift your legs up in the air and kick them around. Haha.

Eh you! Don't laugh can. It works, I swear.

So now, I feel grumpy, bloated, and swollen.

Hahahahahaha.

I think I need to sell off a lot of things.

Anyone interested in my castoffs?

Hahaha, nothing disgusting, I swear. Stuff like books and bags. Many many things that Idon't need anymore. If so, let me know k.

2008-11-13T16:47:00.000+08:00

I still like this address the most. =)

People, I'm so freaked right now. I'm on my way to Perth soon. And I'm scared shitless.

Accommodation still isn't settled though.

Who wants to come to Perth with me and stay together?!

Haha.

I am totally not in the mood to blog.