My grandmother has been a constant in my life from the start. She took care of me, she burped me she bathed me, she scratched my back until I went to sleep. She used to put me in the hanging sarong, and rock me, because she knew I loved being in there.

When I got a little older, she would bring me to school everyday. She would hold my hand and tell me she was so proud of me because I greeted everyone I saw. She cooked for me, all my favourites. I remember how she would make instant noodles after I had whined for hours, and she would pluck out noodles from the boiling pot and feed those strands to me, to check if they were done. She would sit with me and make sure I did my homework. She taught me how to write my chinese name. When I was young, we spoke in her language, Hainanese. I don’t anymore.

She smiles everytime she sees me, and everytime she smiles, I can see myself in her, because we have the same attitude when we laugh. She always slapped me on the butt and call me naughty when I asked her if I was pretty. And when I said she’s the prettiest, she would laugh and utter curse words in Hainanese.

I regret all the times I’ve even thought about hurrying her along when she comes to visit because I want to do my own thing. I regret not visiting her more. I regret giving up my baby, because if I hadn’t my grandmother would have been able to meet my child. I wish I had hugged her more, or talked to her more. I wish I had asked her about her life before and found out what she was like as a young woman. I wish I had spent more time with her. All the time wasted, and I knew how lonely she must have been. I feel like the worst person in the world. I wish I could have had a last Chinese New Year with her. I wish I had another day with her, so I can see her again, and tell her that I love her so much, and that she made me happy and that I’m proud to be her granddaughter.

At her funeral, when her closest friend tells me that my grandmother always spoke about me, about how she loved me so much, it felt like someone squeezed my heart so hard that it ached.
She used to joke about how I made her scratch my back throughout the night because I was itchy. She gave me extra money to bring to school, because I was crying about the allowance my parents gave me. She was always up for everything. Once I put chandelier earrings on her and took a picture and she looked gorgeous. She gave me an original copy of her wedding photo. I’m so happy that I have that. I don’t want my grandmother to be forgotten, ever. I have my grandmother’s cheekbones and nose, so that’s something.

The picture I have of my grandmother in my head is one of her sitting on a ledge with the sunlight coming from behind her, while she laughs at a joke I made. I love her, and I’m sorry that it has taken this long for it to hit me that I will never see her again. I hope that she is happy and she knows that I will always love and never forget her.