Faith

I've always found faith to be a very hard concept to get your head around.

To just believe, even though you haven't been given a reason to. Doesn't that seem a little contrived? I don't believe that it applies simply to religion, but to life in general. Everything you do, or any interaction you have with other people is solidly based on faith. If you make plans with someone, I guess in a way you're holding faith that the other party doesn't back out on you.

I'm just going to steer clear of religion here, but as someone who was raised without one, maybe its not so surprising that faith is such a foreign concept to me. Is it easier to have faith in people if you were raised with a religion, seeing that you were raised to believe? I wouldn't know, why don't some of you get back to me, because that would really be an interesting study.

I don't think I was raised to be cynical, but it probably wouldn't be a stretch to say that I was raised to be careful in who I place my trust in. As my sister, who I can safely say is the strongest influence in my life, would say, there is no point in trusting anyone, you can only trust yourself. Or rather that's what I learnt from watching her communicate with other people.

See, she's so strong, and rarely relies on anyone else for help. I would suppose that is one thing that we do have in common, we don't like asking people for help. And that is puzzling. If there were ever something I had to get help with, I would get this really guilty and bad feeling. If I were to think back, I don't think I've ever asked for favors from people. Denise and I actually had this conversation before, and the conclusion was that we are afraid of getting rejected.

Why is it that it is ingrained in the both of us that people would not help us? It seems that we don't have faith in people other than ourselves.

And speaking of faith, relationships are hard, especially hard for the both of us. Well, I can't actually speak for her, but I tend not to believe anything the other party says. It's hard for me, to have faith in what someone says. Lip service. Its not that I've been burned before, but I think that may be because my defense mechanism just rejects anything that would make me hope, therefore ensuring that I never get hurt.

I mean, how can you trust anything anyone says? I sound really bitter, but its the truth. Blind faith in someone you've just met just seems beyond stupid to me. No matter how nice or sweet or genuine they may be, lies do usually pour forth rather easily. I suppose I've been innocent enough in the past and gullible enough to believe promises and have expectations. But they've always come through for me. Never been burned, so where did this cynicism come from?

In a way I suppose its actually really sad, to never allow yourself to have hope, but I can't really help it. I know I'm a gullible person. I'm smart, but I tend to believe whatever people say. But when it comes to relationships or feelings, I rarely allow myself to just go free.

Maybe that's why I've never felt like I've loved anyone before. I don't forsee that changing anytime soon to be honest. Everything around me is just telling me that it's a good thing I always have my guard up.

Guatemala

I think I finally understand the joys of traveling.

The freedom, the decisions you have to make for yourself, the fact that you are completely dependent on yourself, and nobody else. The experiences you get, and the various cultures you encounter. The locals you meet, and how interesting it is when you see the different ways they react to different things.

Denise said to me a while back, "I love traveling, because everywhere in Asia, we asians are a hot commodity". I kid you not, here in Guatemala, I am stared at like a monkey in the zoo. And just a few days back while walking back home, a local confessed his love for me. Albeit in a crude "I love you baby" way. But still. Confession of love people. I assume Denise likes the attention, but I find it a tad intrusive, but hey, to each his own.

Here in Guatemala, everything takes on a community feel, or so it seems to me anyway. In many places I've been, the locals have always been friendly, but you do feel the undercurrent of resentment, but here, the locals Guatemaltecos really do seem to enjoy communicating with you. It's the feel of a small town, where everyone says hello to each other on the street, and actually smiles at passersby.

Oh how different it is from Singapore. Or Australia. I've always extolled the need to brighten people's days by simply smiling and greeting someone you pass by, but apparently it's bad form where I come from. I have proof now, that simply smiling at someone can really make their day. It's a simple existence here, but happy.

The past month here has been idyllic. Yoga, Spanish classes, salsa classes, and just conversations with people. A few trips here and there, that just shows me how much more of the world I have yet to experience. I do believe after graduating, I might just take time off and travel. The plan so far has been to get a job, anywhere I can get one, but now I wonder as to the wisdom of that. The world is waiting.

Or, due to influences in my life that remind me to do what I love, I'll take a few years to make the acting thing work out. The times I just want to hit myself, when I think about how I just gave it up. Why did I do that, when I'm never happier than when I'm on stage? Or when I'm writing. Or performing in general. Okay, maybe I have one too many passions. But acting first. We'll see.

I have three more weeks in Guatemala before it's back to Singapore and from there en route to Perth to continue my degree. God it's going to be a long year, with many many many things I need to do. The Women's Collective in the Guild that I'm now running. The Vagina Monologues. The Women's edition of the Uni magazine. Focus groups. Not to mention that I need to get a job. Jesus. Rock climbing. I need to get up to Denise's level. Not that I possibly can, seeing how much longer she is than I am.

Right, so enough with the things I need to do, but on to resolutions for the year. They are important, so I hear anyway.

The first, and probably the most important, stop the filthy habit of smoking.

Then get my fitness up.

And actually do something useful this year, will endeavor to get the Women's Collective up to a standard where people will g on about how great the Murdoch Women's Collective is.

Go to Europe.

Learn French. Seriously.

It's been a long time.

And I've changed so much from the last time I was here.

Not in a good way.

I'm stuck, and I can't see my way out of it.

I can't let go, I can't change anything, I can't do anything. Because I'm scared. Scared of being alone. And that is something I have always told myself I would never be.

It's like me being here, I don't do anything. I don't have anything invested in my life here. He is all I have here, he is my life here, because he has been in my life ever since I moved here. To me, he is Perth.

And what I'm scared is that letting go will seal my fate as the pathetic woman who stays at home knitting and watching re runs of stupid sitcoms.

Why am I not doing anything here? I'm in a foreign country where the sky is the limit, I can do whatever I want, but I'm not doing any of it. I don't know why, but I'm scared. All I want to do is stay in bed and not do anything. Or go to his place and stay in his bed and not do anything.

That, is my life here. How sad is that?

It feels like to me, after I lost acting, and then Hakeem, I lost everything, I lost the dreams that I once held. Acting was a dream to me, something that inspired me, something that made me look forward to waking up every morning. And Hakeem was someone who seemed to be from a dream, and to be with him was to be ecstatically happy. He's not like that anymore though. But, different story.

So yes, it feels like after the loss of those two dreams, shall we say, I've seemed to have lost the will to live, if one feels like being dramatic.

Another thing, writing is an outlet for me. When I'm not writing I just go along doing my thing and not really accessing my thoughts, emotions, anything really. But when I write, it's like a door opens and everything pours out, ideas, feelings, thoughts that I didn't even know I was thinking. It's odd, it's almost as if writing is the only way I can ever express my thoughts out loud.

Is writing like this for anyone else? Or is it just me? Because literally, when I write, its like ideas just slam into my head one after the other, sometimes too fast for me to even catch. It's the most exhilarating experience.

Oh yes, and another thing. I tend to jump from thought to thought when I'm writing. Which just proves my theory that when I'm writing, I'm just thinking in print. No?

I don't know how an emo post turned out to be a post on the technicalities of writing to Janice.

I just miss me.

My grandmother has been a constant in my life from the start. She took care of me, she burped me she bathed me, she scratched my back until I went to sleep. She used to put me in the hanging sarong, and rock me, because she knew I loved being in there.

When I got a little older, she would bring me to school everyday. She would hold my hand and tell me she was so proud of me because I greeted everyone I saw. She cooked for me, all my favourites. I remember how she would make instant noodles after I had whined for hours, and she would pluck out noodles from the boiling pot and feed those strands to me, to check if they were done. She would sit with me and make sure I did my homework. She taught me how to write my chinese name. When I was young, we spoke in her language, Hainanese. I don’t anymore.

She smiles everytime she sees me, and everytime she smiles, I can see myself in her, because we have the same attitude when we laugh. She always slapped me on the butt and call me naughty when I asked her if I was pretty. And when I said she’s the prettiest, she would laugh and utter curse words in Hainanese.

I regret all the times I’ve even thought about hurrying her along when she comes to visit because I want to do my own thing. I regret not visiting her more. I regret giving up my baby, because if I hadn’t my grandmother would have been able to meet my child. I wish I had hugged her more, or talked to her more. I wish I had asked her about her life before and found out what she was like as a young woman. I wish I had spent more time with her. All the time wasted, and I knew how lonely she must have been. I feel like the worst person in the world. I wish I could have had a last Chinese New Year with her. I wish I had another day with her, so I can see her again, and tell her that I love her so much, and that she made me happy and that I’m proud to be her granddaughter.

At her funeral, when her closest friend tells me that my grandmother always spoke about me, about how she loved me so much, it felt like someone squeezed my heart so hard that it ached.
She used to joke about how I made her scratch my back throughout the night because I was itchy. She gave me extra money to bring to school, because I was crying about the allowance my parents gave me. She was always up for everything. Once I put chandelier earrings on her and took a picture and she looked gorgeous. She gave me an original copy of her wedding photo. I’m so happy that I have that. I don’t want my grandmother to be forgotten, ever. I have my grandmother’s cheekbones and nose, so that’s something.

The picture I have of my grandmother in my head is one of her sitting on a ledge with the sunlight coming from behind her, while she laughs at a joke I made. I love her, and I’m sorry that it has taken this long for it to hit me that I will never see her again. I hope that she is happy and she knows that I will always love and never forget her.

Weaknesses

People constantly give stupid excuses when they do stupid things.

I can't help it!

I can't control how I feel!

It just happened!

And it is all complete bullshit.

We have complete power over our thoughts and decisions, and it is when we decide to give in to temptation that we make the wrong decision.

Married men can absolutely control their dicks, and yet some still choose to cheat when the opportunity arises.

Women can absolutely walk away from the man offering money for sex, but some still choose to accept that.

People can absolutely control what they do in their lives, yet they choose to take the route that gives them the most pleasure, because that is what people do.

And that is why we are weak, because we can never be strong and say

I will never allow myself to think about him.

I will never allow myself to cheat.

I will never allow myself to hurt someone else.

I will never lie.

We are weak, we are selfish, and that is the reason humans are the most hypocritical and despicable creatures.

Sha la la la la

I just finished cleaning my apartment and I am so happy!

Everything is clean and shiny, the counters are smooth, and everything smells sooooo good!

Take a look at my bathroom, mmmmmm. Smells so pretty!

Yea, it gives me a great sense of satisfaction to clean my own apartment, and see everything in its place.

Oh wow, I can see my future as a stepford wife.

Well, I started University 3 weeks ago, and things could not be better. It's amazing how much you realise that you don't know when you're studying something new.

And I'm proud of myself in a way I haven't been in such a long time. I'm an academic. I'm an undergraduate. I'm gonna be a great journalist.

Haha. After such a long time working towards this goal, having attained it, is to be honest, such a relief. And I feel so happy all the time! Although now that I'm in Uni, I realise how much more I have to go through.

And the competition, I have to say, is intimidating.

I'm going to start writing again. For the past year it's been like I've been stuck in a rut, and now that I'm in Uni, it feels like I'm finally moving onwards, or somewhere. Out of limbo.

I feel happier, and slowly more like myself. And I'm hoping for this time of my life to be the best I'm going to experience.

Because honestly, after this glorious time, working life beckons, and it doesn't look very appealing.

Mel, Selene, Kim, I love you.

And yes, my sisters too.

My exams are in 2 days, and my course averages are alright.

Okay, so maybe I've screwed up ONE class, but that can be made up in the exam. As long as I get a 60 for that exam, that would give me a passing grade.

Other classes are going great though, been getting high grades, so that cool. I don't even need to get above 60 to pass. Doesn't mean I'm not going to try to excel though, so thank god, I'm pretty sure I'll get a 70 average this term at least. Whew.

HOPE SO.

Uni seems like a distant dream right now, a hard dream foe me to realise, but let's hope that I will get my dream with my average.

Ha.